It's night. The moon is shining brightly through the glass ceiling.
I find myself quietly walking on the second floor of the forks market, careful not to be seen. On the main floor there are hundreds of zombies bumping shoulder to shoulder, trying to open up a path for the King Of Vampires. The King is wearing an elegant red outfit, with a cape of sorts. His hair is done up much like Elvis', and he sported a Satan Stache with the little goatee.
Now as I'm sure you know, not every zombie is the same. This was much the case in my dream. The King had some elite zombies that wore make shift armor. Regardless of what the elite zombies looked like, he told them to find me and bring me to him dead or alive.
Now it suddenly became clear to me that my plan was to get to the riverside sewer system underneath the forks market and sneak out onto the river through an emergency exit. It didn't take much planning, the thought just came to me, really. I stumbled upon one of those tiny elevator shafts for meals and mail and I hopped on in! I pulled the rope and off I went. Unfortunately the little elevator was really loud and all the zombies knew where I was. I got to the sewer in around two seconds, because I was falling from the second floor at about 9.8m/s^2. When my elevator stopped I jumped out like a superhero in slow motion -> action pose with a fist in the sky!
I had a pretty powerful area of effect because all the nearby zombies got knocked back in a near perfect circle around me. I started sprinting to the staircase when I heard someone call me out. I turned to find a group of girls standing like... Damn, who's that group... Destiny's Child? NO! Sorry, Charlie's angels, that's the one. Anywho, they said they were still mad at me about being such a heart breaker in high school or something to that effect. To be fair, these were just dream girls. I never went to high school with them and I was never a heart breaker.
A bunch of text slides on up to the center of my dream view, "BATTLE START".
When all of a sudden the girls pull out airsoft guns faster than your uncle pulls it out when your parents leave the room. A grid appears along the floor and the room is broken up into squares and levels... Just like in Final Fantasy Tactics. Except this time there are futuristic robots with arm cannons and shoulder mounted turrets.
I highlight myself and use my move points to run up that magical staircase that I totally mentioned earlier... *Ahem* As you read in the above paragraph, there was a magical staircase in the center of the atrium... In the sewer. This staircase was New-Piano-Key Black, ebony if you were. With a golden rail on one side and silver on the other. Midway up the staircase there was a large break where part of the staircase had collapsed, creating a gap between the lower half and the upper half.
So yes, I started to run up this staircase until I ran out of move points. Then I turned around and used my ACTION POINTS. If you remember, back in the day, we used to have those little rubber domes that you would turn inside out and place on the floor... After a few moments they would pop back to normal and go spiraling through the air? Well it just so happened that my "gun" was one of these domes filled to the brim with airsoft pellets. The group of girls had been following close behind and with one pop they were pelted with pellets. They all suffered serious knockback and were launched into the air in dramatic just-got-pwned poses. They burst out of existence and red text popped into center dream. CRITICAL FLAK DAMAGE.
Encounter resolved.
I jumped to the other half of the staircase and ran to the end...
Where the staircase ends.
The staircase lead to a hammock in the scaffolding of the in-sewer atrium. In this hammock was a hockey bag... Not just any hockey bag but one contaning loads of helmets, skates, miscellaneous hockey equipment, several airsoft guns, and also a sword. A gold and silver sword bent like a hockey stick. It became very clear to me... This was the enchanted armor used by the world's hero ten thousand years ago. I was to wear full goalie garb, and slay the vampire king with this sword.
As soon as I finished gearing up, I found myself in a golden chamber. Meaning this.
The walls were made of golden bricks. The ceiling was supported by golden pillars.
There were several statues of golden women. Lastly, a golden throne.
The vampire king sat upon said throne at the far end, with a smile that went from one corner of his mouth to the other corner of his mouth. That mouth opened and he started laughing. His laughing echoed, getting louder and louder, less like laughter and more like insane white noise. Can you imagine if white noise had an angry, insane inflection? Because that's what this was. From a dull hiss to a scratchy roar the air became painful to my ears. Then it stopped. The vampire king said... Do you see these bricks? Each one of them contains a gem. Concentrated human soul. Refined under high heat and pressure to become nothing but a semi-opaque crystalline rock. These golden gems give one magical abilities...
Your heart is one in the same. A gem. With your disciplined focus heated by your passion for life and love, having undergone the most traumatic experiences one can face. Your heart has been forged into the strongest and most magical gem of all. This is why you can do anything you put your mind to. Designed for greatness. Perfection. Fame. Prepared to burn forever... Your heart is charcoal and I don't want it in my wall.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
I can remember my dreams again?!
So last night...
I was walking down the street in the town where I used to live, when all of a sudden six people on horses come zooming by laughing and screaming. I pause. "That's... Never seen that before around here. Maybe it's legal now." Though the legality of the situation is never revealed in this dream, it certainly delivers what a good dream should. Pressing forward... One of the horses jumps over a fence but the person suddenly falls off and dies a gruesome fence death. The other people continue to ride as if nothing happened and the horse runs free.
This is a situation that calls for me, clearly, because I know how to ride horse. *I lived in the country for ten years, only 6/7 of the time was video games.* So I chased that steed down with passion. The fiery kind of passion that you can feel in your stomach, feel it spreading though your digestive tract. Your colon. I could also feel it in my heart, pumping it through my arteries, veins, and colon. I did not poop the bed, but it was such an intense dream I could feel the rush of PASSION.
So naturally I catch the horse because I'm awesome... In my dreams. I grab the saddle and start pulling myself up while it's still running. *The horse is telepathic.*
"You think you can tame a mythical creature, boy?" and I think back
"I can sure as hell try!"... A few moments pass and the horse thinks at me
"Well, do you?" I think back
"I CAN SURE AS HELL TRY!" after a few seconds the horse says
"It's rude not to reply. Ass." *I'm not telepathic.*
" I thought I said I can sure as hell try!"
The horse say neigh I was just f*cking with you.
So the horse and I became fast friends, in every meaning. We started running figure eights through the parking lot, trampling passerby, and drive by sling-shottings.
Though we both know how this situation has to end. Turn, Steed! Straight ahead, Steed!
I took him back to his pack. The 6 girls who --- the 5 girls riding horseback were fascinated I caught up to them on the seemingly slowest horse of the bunch.
"Roxy was always a bit of an ass." Said one of the girls. Roxy thinks to me
"My mother was a donkey. My father was a horse god. She died during childbirth."
This brought back horrible memories for Roxy and before I could dismount he shot off through the mall (Yes.) and my head hit every second-floor walkway until I fell off.
The girls came back and said, you're not very tall for a boy, but you're still taller than us I guess. Suddenly two of the girls turned into boys and became taller than me.
I took this as my cue to leave and started walking down the street the other way, back home. What's this? A car in my driveway? Oh my god, Darcey finally got a three-seater! He can help me move! (Darcey has been asking me for rides anywhere and everywhere for almost four years. This was a highlight of this dream and stood out the most when I woke up. The three seater car plays a major role in this dream later on.)
I run into the house only to find myself on a battleground. My mom's ex-boyfriend is slaying my friends and family and laughing maniacally. *I ran to the public bathrooms.*
"Sitting in a stall, sitting in a stall, Pat won't kill me if I'm sitting in a stall"
"Hey!" some girl jumps up and peeks over the top of the stall. "Are you peeing sitting down?"
"Yeah. I always do. I have a long-standing fear of urinals, and peeing standing up in general."
"Oh... Well, I guess you deserve to die!" she says as she starts laughing.
I got up to punch her in the face, but suddenly a machete pierces the door!.. and my abdomen. I cough up some blood and stand frozen until it gets pulled out. I drop to me knees. The door opens. Pat is standing there grinning and the world around him is spattered with blood.
Wesley and Darcey come back from wherever they were, probably heaven, with McDonald's.
Pat can't handle anymore Carbohydrates! *He explodes* "Curse you french fried pertaters!----------" Echoes throughout the room. He turns into a cheque for his share of the house and cottage. "Separation Agreement - WIN"
I lied about the three-seater playing a role later on.
I was walking down the street in the town where I used to live, when all of a sudden six people on horses come zooming by laughing and screaming. I pause. "That's... Never seen that before around here. Maybe it's legal now." Though the legality of the situation is never revealed in this dream, it certainly delivers what a good dream should. Pressing forward... One of the horses jumps over a fence but the person suddenly falls off and dies a gruesome fence death. The other people continue to ride as if nothing happened and the horse runs free.
This is a situation that calls for me, clearly, because I know how to ride horse. *I lived in the country for ten years, only 6/7 of the time was video games.* So I chased that steed down with passion. The fiery kind of passion that you can feel in your stomach, feel it spreading though your digestive tract. Your colon. I could also feel it in my heart, pumping it through my arteries, veins, and colon. I did not poop the bed, but it was such an intense dream I could feel the rush of PASSION.
So naturally I catch the horse because I'm awesome... In my dreams. I grab the saddle and start pulling myself up while it's still running. *The horse is telepathic.*
"You think you can tame a mythical creature, boy?" and I think back
"I can sure as hell try!"... A few moments pass and the horse thinks at me
"Well, do you?" I think back
"I CAN SURE AS HELL TRY!" after a few seconds the horse says
"It's rude not to reply. Ass." *I'm not telepathic.*
" I thought I said I can sure as hell try!"
The horse say neigh I was just f*cking with you.
So the horse and I became fast friends, in every meaning. We started running figure eights through the parking lot, trampling passerby, and drive by sling-shottings.
Though we both know how this situation has to end. Turn, Steed! Straight ahead, Steed!
I took him back to his pack. The 6 girls who --- the 5 girls riding horseback were fascinated I caught up to them on the seemingly slowest horse of the bunch.
"Roxy was always a bit of an ass." Said one of the girls. Roxy thinks to me
"My mother was a donkey. My father was a horse god. She died during childbirth."
This brought back horrible memories for Roxy and before I could dismount he shot off through the mall (Yes.) and my head hit every second-floor walkway until I fell off.
The girls came back and said, you're not very tall for a boy, but you're still taller than us I guess. Suddenly two of the girls turned into boys and became taller than me.
I took this as my cue to leave and started walking down the street the other way, back home. What's this? A car in my driveway? Oh my god, Darcey finally got a three-seater! He can help me move! (Darcey has been asking me for rides anywhere and everywhere for almost four years. This was a highlight of this dream and stood out the most when I woke up. The three seater car plays a major role in this dream later on.)
I run into the house only to find myself on a battleground. My mom's ex-boyfriend is slaying my friends and family and laughing maniacally. *I ran to the public bathrooms.*
"Sitting in a stall, sitting in a stall, Pat won't kill me if I'm sitting in a stall"
"Hey!" some girl jumps up and peeks over the top of the stall. "Are you peeing sitting down?"
"Yeah. I always do. I have a long-standing fear of urinals, and peeing standing up in general."
"Oh... Well, I guess you deserve to die!" she says as she starts laughing.
I got up to punch her in the face, but suddenly a machete pierces the door!.. and my abdomen. I cough up some blood and stand frozen until it gets pulled out. I drop to me knees. The door opens. Pat is standing there grinning and the world around him is spattered with blood.
Wesley and Darcey come back from wherever they were, probably heaven, with McDonald's.
Pat can't handle anymore Carbohydrates! *He explodes* "Curse you french fried pertaters!----------" Echoes throughout the room. He turns into a cheque for his share of the house and cottage. "Separation Agreement - WIN"
I lied about the three-seater playing a role later on.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Let there be Survival Horror!
I really, really, really wish that I wrote this AS SOON AS I WOKE UP. Alas, it's had a day to fade from my memory...
Ahh the family reunion, what a convenient place for a survival horror.
The family has decided to rent a mansion for our reunion this year, seeing as how there are so many of us. A time to rediscover old aunts, uncles, cousins, and the departed?.. I find myself in a very large room with a high ceiling. The floor lined with benches, and the benches lined with family. I'm on the second floor looking over the balcony. My grandpa is leading our prayer to the lord, that the food be blessed, that we have a fun filled week, and that the angry spirits living in the mansion do not harm any members of our family. A younger cousin of mine sits across the room, still on the second floor with me, jotting something down in his notebook. Curious. Another cousin of mine, a few years older than myself, stands beside me. We all look up at the same time and without saying anything it becomes clear that we are to sneak off and explore the mansion.
The halls are much dimmer than the atrium was, lit only by the moonlight creeping in through boarded up windows. Everything is a dim greyish-blue color that gets darker as the halls go on. We notice a faint light at the end of one of the halls and decide to see what it is. Upon closer inspection we find it to be a wall-mounted candle, as soon as we reach the end of this particular hallway the candle goes out. A fog fills the halls and we start to lose sight of each other. A dim circle of white light appears on the floor and a spiked platform begins to rise up. Two large horns sprout from the platform, piercing one of my cousins stomachs. He starts to bleed out from his mouth, though he coughs up a rich black ink instead of blood... Then a white demon with a form much similar to Ifrit (of Final Fantasy VII) rises from the floor as well.
I turn to run, but quickly become frozen with fear. A faint side-profile of a face appears in the center of the hallway and fades away. Suddenly the ghost of a young woman in a white dress wearing a red sash appears at the other end of the hall. Her face is covered by her long black hair. She glides forward in that sketchy, jittery, motion ghosts are known for. Jumping forward meters at a time without actually stepping at all. Fading out, fading back in further ahead... Within moments she's right in front of me. The world gets fuzzy, like white noise on a television, refocuses, then becomes fuzzy again. The woman looks up and as I stare into her empty eyes the world becomes white noise once again.
When it refocuses I'm in the atrium, fifteen minutes in the past. I look across the room at my younger cousin jotting something down in his notebook. I run to look at what he's written down... He's writing down everything that just happened. As soon as he finishes he gets a blank look on his face, shakes his head, and rereads what he just wrote. It seems like this book is similar to the save system in that old Zelda game, Majora's Mask. We're to relive the following 15 minutes until we solve the mystery of the mansion, writing down our new discoveries and clues every time and going somewhere else on our next run. We decide it would be best to speak with my grandpa about the spirits, seeing as how he's very well informed on the supernatural.
He explains to us that there's an ancient artifact in the family store across town that the spirits are trying to obtain. He says that if we can get it and bring it to him, he will purify it for us to ward off the spirits and demons. We start our walk across town, down the lone gravel road, through the mist and fog. When we get to the store we spot a horn on the wall, glowing a bright green. When we take it down, my grandpa appears behind us. "Yes... Yes... This is it." He says with a grin on his face. Suddenly his teeth become large and sharp, and he begins to laugh. "That artifact was sealed to the wall by an ancestor of yours, so that no demon or spirit may ever take it down. Only someone with the family's blood coursing through their veins could break the charm and remove it." A demon bursts through my grandpa's skin, revealing itself. "I'm a demon of fear and hatred. I manifested in your grandpa's heart a long time ago. I ate at his organs, bones, and soul to grow. I've worn his skin and lived his life for years now. I've been giving you "advice" so that you could carry out my ambitions." The demon snatched the glowing horn from my hands and absorbed it into his chest... The room quickly becomes cold and grey. The demon continues to laugh. My cousin bolts forward in a feudal attempt to stop him. The demon tilts it's head forward, impaling my cousin. *Snap* My cousin is replaced by his stunt double, Samuel L. Jackson, the actor who is well known for playing the role of the first character to die.
Freeze frame. A man walks in from the edge of my vision and delivers a brief speech about hate crimes and racism. He then exits on the opposite side. Resume dream. The demon splits Samuel from his stomach to the top of his head and tosses his corps against the wall. He takes a wide swing and slices me clean in two... everything is white noise... I wake up to find myself leaning against the balcony rail on the second floor of the atrium. My cousin is jotting away in his notebook.
Ahh the family reunion, what a convenient place for a survival horror.
The family has decided to rent a mansion for our reunion this year, seeing as how there are so many of us. A time to rediscover old aunts, uncles, cousins, and the departed?.. I find myself in a very large room with a high ceiling. The floor lined with benches, and the benches lined with family. I'm on the second floor looking over the balcony. My grandpa is leading our prayer to the lord, that the food be blessed, that we have a fun filled week, and that the angry spirits living in the mansion do not harm any members of our family. A younger cousin of mine sits across the room, still on the second floor with me, jotting something down in his notebook. Curious. Another cousin of mine, a few years older than myself, stands beside me. We all look up at the same time and without saying anything it becomes clear that we are to sneak off and explore the mansion.
The halls are much dimmer than the atrium was, lit only by the moonlight creeping in through boarded up windows. Everything is a dim greyish-blue color that gets darker as the halls go on. We notice a faint light at the end of one of the halls and decide to see what it is. Upon closer inspection we find it to be a wall-mounted candle, as soon as we reach the end of this particular hallway the candle goes out. A fog fills the halls and we start to lose sight of each other. A dim circle of white light appears on the floor and a spiked platform begins to rise up. Two large horns sprout from the platform, piercing one of my cousins stomachs. He starts to bleed out from his mouth, though he coughs up a rich black ink instead of blood... Then a white demon with a form much similar to Ifrit (of Final Fantasy VII) rises from the floor as well.
I turn to run, but quickly become frozen with fear. A faint side-profile of a face appears in the center of the hallway and fades away. Suddenly the ghost of a young woman in a white dress wearing a red sash appears at the other end of the hall. Her face is covered by her long black hair. She glides forward in that sketchy, jittery, motion ghosts are known for. Jumping forward meters at a time without actually stepping at all. Fading out, fading back in further ahead... Within moments she's right in front of me. The world gets fuzzy, like white noise on a television, refocuses, then becomes fuzzy again. The woman looks up and as I stare into her empty eyes the world becomes white noise once again.
When it refocuses I'm in the atrium, fifteen minutes in the past. I look across the room at my younger cousin jotting something down in his notebook. I run to look at what he's written down... He's writing down everything that just happened. As soon as he finishes he gets a blank look on his face, shakes his head, and rereads what he just wrote. It seems like this book is similar to the save system in that old Zelda game, Majora's Mask. We're to relive the following 15 minutes until we solve the mystery of the mansion, writing down our new discoveries and clues every time and going somewhere else on our next run. We decide it would be best to speak with my grandpa about the spirits, seeing as how he's very well informed on the supernatural.
He explains to us that there's an ancient artifact in the family store across town that the spirits are trying to obtain. He says that if we can get it and bring it to him, he will purify it for us to ward off the spirits and demons. We start our walk across town, down the lone gravel road, through the mist and fog. When we get to the store we spot a horn on the wall, glowing a bright green. When we take it down, my grandpa appears behind us. "Yes... Yes... This is it." He says with a grin on his face. Suddenly his teeth become large and sharp, and he begins to laugh. "That artifact was sealed to the wall by an ancestor of yours, so that no demon or spirit may ever take it down. Only someone with the family's blood coursing through their veins could break the charm and remove it." A demon bursts through my grandpa's skin, revealing itself. "I'm a demon of fear and hatred. I manifested in your grandpa's heart a long time ago. I ate at his organs, bones, and soul to grow. I've worn his skin and lived his life for years now. I've been giving you "advice" so that you could carry out my ambitions." The demon snatched the glowing horn from my hands and absorbed it into his chest... The room quickly becomes cold and grey. The demon continues to laugh. My cousin bolts forward in a feudal attempt to stop him. The demon tilts it's head forward, impaling my cousin. *Snap* My cousin is replaced by his stunt double, Samuel L. Jackson, the actor who is well known for playing the role of the first character to die.
Freeze frame. A man walks in from the edge of my vision and delivers a brief speech about hate crimes and racism. He then exits on the opposite side. Resume dream. The demon splits Samuel from his stomach to the top of his head and tosses his corps against the wall. He takes a wide swing and slices me clean in two... everything is white noise... I wake up to find myself leaning against the balcony rail on the second floor of the atrium. My cousin is jotting away in his notebook.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
So I forgot the majority of the second half of that dream...
But on the other hand I did happen to write down what happened in my dream on the night of Monday, July19th...
I found myself in a marvelous castle with beautiful architecture. The castle was mine to defend, I was part of a select group of elite medieval militia. Our group was formed of only men as the proprietor of the castle was very masculinist, oh yes. If there are feminists, my dream can totally have masculinists. Regardless, to the owner of this castle women were worthless. They weren't just objects... they were floorboards. The halls of this castle were lined with two rows of girls, one row facing one way, the other facing the other. Obviously, the way they faced affected the way traffic was to flow.
There was this one girl in the floorboards I found particularly beautiful and every time I walked over her I would drop to the floor, kiss her forehead, and tell her I was going to save her from this place. I told her just how beautiful she was, that she deserved a better life, that she wasn't like all the rest of the floorboards, she could have a future if only she got out of here. Naturally, she thought I was incredibly creepy. Little did she realize she had magical properties.
The siren goes off! It's time for battle! Our army heads out to the courtyard, where a group of horsemen, demons, minotaurs, and goblins await with a large wall. Their plan was to crush us alive in between this wall and the walls of the castle. Our archers fired many arrows that formed a line across the center of the courtyard. Our jousters launched their spears along this line. Every man with a sword ran forward and held the line. The enemy pushed their wall forward and when it hit our arrows, spears, and swords time froze. Yes, time froze and someone rolled a giant twenty sided die. The enemy rolled a 1, and our army rolled a 20. Time started up again and the enemy was launched into the air! Within moments every airborne creature was skewered.
In celebration the King gave me VIP tickets to the Three Days Grace concert and I was oh so excited! I knew exactly who I was going to take with me. Floorboard girl. In a few dream hours, which in reality are only seconds, we find ourselves there. But what's this? The lead sings has been doing far too many drugs and burned his lips. They tried to fix them with plastic surgery and failed horribly. He had a horrible dead-green complexion, all of his pores had become stretched, his lips sagged and flapped with every movement of his jaw. Honestly, this was probably the worst VIP concert in the world. We were sitting on wooden bleaches, the stage was merely a camping table/bench, and nobody was playing an instrument.
Floorboard girl and I decided it would be best to leave this place, so we went over to my friend's apartment. The three of us sat on the couch watching The Little Mermaid, when all of a sudden the girl made a proclamation. "Whoever sports my magical fedora will have any and every wish of theirs granted." My friend, being completely content with his life, passed me the hat. He smiled at me and left the room.
*Wish* *Wish* Wish*
Much later on in the dream my friend's sister stole the fedora and used the material to make a magic wand. When I found out I tried to no avail to get this wand back. She would run around the house wishing obstacles into my path and wishing me further and further away until finally, finally I grabbed the wand... We ended up snapping it in two and she died somehow and I became my friend's new little sister. Curses.
I found myself in a marvelous castle with beautiful architecture. The castle was mine to defend, I was part of a select group of elite medieval militia. Our group was formed of only men as the proprietor of the castle was very masculinist, oh yes. If there are feminists, my dream can totally have masculinists. Regardless, to the owner of this castle women were worthless. They weren't just objects... they were floorboards. The halls of this castle were lined with two rows of girls, one row facing one way, the other facing the other. Obviously, the way they faced affected the way traffic was to flow.
There was this one girl in the floorboards I found particularly beautiful and every time I walked over her I would drop to the floor, kiss her forehead, and tell her I was going to save her from this place. I told her just how beautiful she was, that she deserved a better life, that she wasn't like all the rest of the floorboards, she could have a future if only she got out of here. Naturally, she thought I was incredibly creepy. Little did she realize she had magical properties.
The siren goes off! It's time for battle! Our army heads out to the courtyard, where a group of horsemen, demons, minotaurs, and goblins await with a large wall. Their plan was to crush us alive in between this wall and the walls of the castle. Our archers fired many arrows that formed a line across the center of the courtyard. Our jousters launched their spears along this line. Every man with a sword ran forward and held the line. The enemy pushed their wall forward and when it hit our arrows, spears, and swords time froze. Yes, time froze and someone rolled a giant twenty sided die. The enemy rolled a 1, and our army rolled a 20. Time started up again and the enemy was launched into the air! Within moments every airborne creature was skewered.
In celebration the King gave me VIP tickets to the Three Days Grace concert and I was oh so excited! I knew exactly who I was going to take with me. Floorboard girl. In a few dream hours, which in reality are only seconds, we find ourselves there. But what's this? The lead sings has been doing far too many drugs and burned his lips. They tried to fix them with plastic surgery and failed horribly. He had a horrible dead-green complexion, all of his pores had become stretched, his lips sagged and flapped with every movement of his jaw. Honestly, this was probably the worst VIP concert in the world. We were sitting on wooden bleaches, the stage was merely a camping table/bench, and nobody was playing an instrument.
Floorboard girl and I decided it would be best to leave this place, so we went over to my friend's apartment. The three of us sat on the couch watching The Little Mermaid, when all of a sudden the girl made a proclamation. "Whoever sports my magical fedora will have any and every wish of theirs granted." My friend, being completely content with his life, passed me the hat. He smiled at me and left the room.
*Wish* *Wish* Wish*
Much later on in the dream my friend's sister stole the fedora and used the material to make a magic wand. When I found out I tried to no avail to get this wand back. She would run around the house wishing obstacles into my path and wishing me further and further away until finally, finally I grabbed the wand... We ended up snapping it in two and she died somehow and I became my friend's new little sister. Curses.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
On the night of Tuesday, July 20th, Blues drank before bed...
A young man was lying on his deathbed... his dying wish? To see what Final Fantasy VII Crisis Core looks like on the PSP. I figured I could grant him at least that much. So I start playing, but damn, I got hooked on that stuff faster than an ex-tweaker would get hooked on meth again. During the third boss fight I ran over to the edge of couch to show him the gameplay, but I killed the boss before he looked at the screen.
A loud siren goes off. Oh shit! It's 15:45 and I'm supposed to be at... Aaron's Tae Kwon Do class? I head outside and pause. It looks like a very serious storm is a brewing. I run over to the town gym and I realize my friend Steve and a bunch of other folk from my town are running for the hills. As Steve passes me he tells me that I probably want to get the hell out of town if I know what's good for me. Curious...
When I get to the gym the front doors are wide open and the lights are flickering on and off. Everything is an eerie magical shade of dark grey-blue that you only ever see before a storm. I run through the gym from front to back and as I push open the back doors I see the Tae Kwon Do class lined up behind Aaron. He turns and says, ladies and gentlemen we've got three guns and as you all know Josh gets seniority. He pushes an SMG into my hands. He doesn't have to tell me why I need it.
When I look away from the guns I find myself looking down the barrel of a tank. On both sides of this tank there are some strictly suppress-fire tanks, and beside them are the two targeting tanks for the center tank (it can only fire once the other tanks have locked on to a target). Behind all of the tanks are two lines of men with guns.
The commander of the center tank tells his men not to fire until fired upon, because the target may still come peacefully. "I'M A COWARD!" I shout, tossing my gun into the air. Sadly I must have pulled the trigger as I let go and stray fire hits some of the army. "OPEN FIRE" shouts their commander. Before I get any further, Aaron dashes in front of me and pushes the gun back in my hands. "I don't train cowards. Turn around."
The gunfight really doesn't last as long as it should, seemingly nobody brought that much ammunition? No, no, nevermind. It's because we were to have an intense ninja brawl. They all move forward doing patterns, prepared to destroy. I suddenly get a burst of courage and sprint forward, as one of them is throwing a kick I crouch to the right to dodge, and side kick them in the stomach. I roll to the side quickly and dodge the axe-kick I wasn't supposed to know about. Back kick to that guy's stomach, grab his ears and flip him over me into two other guys. Before they can even fall down I've already jumped into the air and kicked them both in the face at the same time. As their backs hit the ground I'm standing on their faces. I turn to look at my next victim when I realize everyone here is one of my friends, zombified? Hypnotized? Something-ed.
For a brief moment, I get the sense that somewhere not too far from here and evil plant woman is laughing. During this moment I'm hit. Many bullets hit me. Their machine guns weren't made for piercing flesh, just stunning. I turn to run for cover and hey, there's a school bus behind me and a chalkboard to the right. I turn around again and realize my tae kwon do group and I are behind a couch. Aaron tells us we've got the advantage now and if we play our cards right we can win this. Everyone without a gun is bait and I'm to take out the targeting tanks using our special machine-gun.
This machine-gun is no normal gun, you have to point it at the same target for 5 seconds while it locks on. There's a loading bar on the laser sight that starts flashing when it's ready to fire. This makes the tank fight THAT much more dramatic and drawn out. I peer around the corner and take aim for the left one first. We both tag each other at the same time. The left tank is done for and the center tank takes out a tae kwon do student. I go to the other edge of the couch and take a gander with my gun-der around the corner. Take aim. Same as last time. Looks like the center tank is blind-firing.
I crawl under the couch and take aim... We fire. I miss and everyone undercover is blown into the air. I land behind a chunk of the school bus. Oh no! My girl! My girl's been hit! She says, "Take my gun... It's your only hope now. Take my wallet with my life's savings and live well after your victory... And know... That I've always loved you." She dies in my arms. This was a very dramatic, tear jerking moment, even after taking into consideration that she had no character introduction.
The commander of the tank pops open the hatch and stands up. This is too easy, I'm going to take you out with my handgun, for SnG's. I stand up and reveal my position. Dramatic dialogue dramatic dialogue dramatic dialogue. He decides I'm not worth his bullets anymore because he doesn't want any drama on his shells. His remaining machine-gunners machine-gun me down.
You can't kill me, Commander Reicherson. You have far too much hate, and nobody with pure evil in their heart can kill me.
"WORDS OF SHOCK!" and I pierce his heart in one swift pull of a trigger.
Far off in the distance a man in a white tuxedo sips his red wine. "Good show, good show, our time has come so it seems, yes." The camera leaves my body and I get to watch this great cinematic. I hold out Girl's handgun, close one eye, and tilt my head to the right. Pull the trigger.
Bullet's eye view from the camera as it soars across fields, hills, through a forest, gets struck by lightning, shatters the wine glass and hits the man in the white tuxedo right between the eyes. He falls to the ground staring blankly at the sky. The camera zooms out and it would appear he was having a one man dinner party in a forest clearing. There were elegant tables with foods and fine wines, with lights hanging from the vines. The voice of the forest cackles, the battle's just begun.
I woke up at this point. Took a shower. Went back to bed. I'll post part two after I get off work tonight :)
A loud siren goes off. Oh shit! It's 15:45 and I'm supposed to be at... Aaron's Tae Kwon Do class? I head outside and pause. It looks like a very serious storm is a brewing. I run over to the town gym and I realize my friend Steve and a bunch of other folk from my town are running for the hills. As Steve passes me he tells me that I probably want to get the hell out of town if I know what's good for me. Curious...
When I get to the gym the front doors are wide open and the lights are flickering on and off. Everything is an eerie magical shade of dark grey-blue that you only ever see before a storm. I run through the gym from front to back and as I push open the back doors I see the Tae Kwon Do class lined up behind Aaron. He turns and says, ladies and gentlemen we've got three guns and as you all know Josh gets seniority. He pushes an SMG into my hands. He doesn't have to tell me why I need it.
When I look away from the guns I find myself looking down the barrel of a tank. On both sides of this tank there are some strictly suppress-fire tanks, and beside them are the two targeting tanks for the center tank (it can only fire once the other tanks have locked on to a target). Behind all of the tanks are two lines of men with guns.
The commander of the center tank tells his men not to fire until fired upon, because the target may still come peacefully. "I'M A COWARD!" I shout, tossing my gun into the air. Sadly I must have pulled the trigger as I let go and stray fire hits some of the army. "OPEN FIRE" shouts their commander. Before I get any further, Aaron dashes in front of me and pushes the gun back in my hands. "I don't train cowards. Turn around."
The gunfight really doesn't last as long as it should, seemingly nobody brought that much ammunition? No, no, nevermind. It's because we were to have an intense ninja brawl. They all move forward doing patterns, prepared to destroy. I suddenly get a burst of courage and sprint forward, as one of them is throwing a kick I crouch to the right to dodge, and side kick them in the stomach. I roll to the side quickly and dodge the axe-kick I wasn't supposed to know about. Back kick to that guy's stomach, grab his ears and flip him over me into two other guys. Before they can even fall down I've already jumped into the air and kicked them both in the face at the same time. As their backs hit the ground I'm standing on their faces. I turn to look at my next victim when I realize everyone here is one of my friends, zombified? Hypnotized? Something-ed.
For a brief moment, I get the sense that somewhere not too far from here and evil plant woman is laughing. During this moment I'm hit. Many bullets hit me. Their machine guns weren't made for piercing flesh, just stunning. I turn to run for cover and hey, there's a school bus behind me and a chalkboard to the right. I turn around again and realize my tae kwon do group and I are behind a couch. Aaron tells us we've got the advantage now and if we play our cards right we can win this. Everyone without a gun is bait and I'm to take out the targeting tanks using our special machine-gun.
This machine-gun is no normal gun, you have to point it at the same target for 5 seconds while it locks on. There's a loading bar on the laser sight that starts flashing when it's ready to fire. This makes the tank fight THAT much more dramatic and drawn out. I peer around the corner and take aim for the left one first. We both tag each other at the same time. The left tank is done for and the center tank takes out a tae kwon do student. I go to the other edge of the couch and take a gander with my gun-der around the corner. Take aim. Same as last time. Looks like the center tank is blind-firing.
I crawl under the couch and take aim... We fire. I miss and everyone undercover is blown into the air. I land behind a chunk of the school bus. Oh no! My girl! My girl's been hit! She says, "Take my gun... It's your only hope now. Take my wallet with my life's savings and live well after your victory... And know... That I've always loved you." She dies in my arms. This was a very dramatic, tear jerking moment, even after taking into consideration that she had no character introduction.
The commander of the tank pops open the hatch and stands up. This is too easy, I'm going to take you out with my handgun, for SnG's. I stand up and reveal my position. Dramatic dialogue dramatic dialogue dramatic dialogue. He decides I'm not worth his bullets anymore because he doesn't want any drama on his shells. His remaining machine-gunners machine-gun me down.
You can't kill me, Commander Reicherson. You have far too much hate, and nobody with pure evil in their heart can kill me.
"WORDS OF SHOCK!" and I pierce his heart in one swift pull of a trigger.
Far off in the distance a man in a white tuxedo sips his red wine. "Good show, good show, our time has come so it seems, yes." The camera leaves my body and I get to watch this great cinematic. I hold out Girl's handgun, close one eye, and tilt my head to the right. Pull the trigger.
Bullet's eye view from the camera as it soars across fields, hills, through a forest, gets struck by lightning, shatters the wine glass and hits the man in the white tuxedo right between the eyes. He falls to the ground staring blankly at the sky. The camera zooms out and it would appear he was having a one man dinner party in a forest clearing. There were elegant tables with foods and fine wines, with lights hanging from the vines. The voice of the forest cackles, the battle's just begun.
I woke up at this point. Took a shower. Went back to bed. I'll post part two after I get off work tonight :)
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Alucard. You wish you could be that anti-hero.
On the afternoon of July 17th, Blues got to bed WAY too late after a night of working on his Aikon costume...
Anybody ever buy a flowbee? The magical hair cutting tool that's got a little grate with a fan behind it. This fan is powered by a vacuum. Now, in the future they have flowbees that run on superpowered TriLithium Chloride... Apparently. This flowbees never need to be plugged into a wall and believe it or not they have remote controls! These flowbees and float freely through the skys cutting the hair of whoever you please!
This was the infomercial that kicked off my dreams.
Whoever you please? Hmm... I thought for about half a moment and came to this conclusion. I wanna shave my pussy. *Whistles* "SUE! SUE GET OVER HERE!"
As my cat runs into the room I send the flowbee spiraling across the room and onto her back. The first fan (closest to the grate) gets caught in her fur and the second fan kicks into overdrive. What I have now is a flying cat! I pick Sue up a few feet off the ground, when the flowbee gives way and she drops. Down descends my flowbee, up goes the cat. Wash, rinse, repeat.
After a very enjoyable time I wonder what it would be like if I did this to myself, I mean, it's likely that since I'm a human it'll do a fine job of cutting my hair and that will be that. But I've never been a believer in what's LIKELY to happen. No, no, this flowbee can pick me up I'm sure.
Well... It can't. I get the worlds worst haircut. I drop to my knees and pull out my razor. "Jesus, why have you done this to me? Why must you take all that is beautiful from my life?" These are the words I repeat over and over. I started off weeping and worked my way to screaming them. Contrary to what I've lead you to believe, screaming these words was far from passionate. This is because at the same time I was using my razor to cut a cross into my face. A thick cross that I would be able to peel off.
The bottom thick yet the edges bend inwards towards my nose, bending outwards again under my eyes. Stop. Up to my brow. Stop. Curve back down over the top of my eyes and back to the bridge of my nose. Stop. Up to my hairline and curve inward to meet again.
I tear off this cross quickly like a bandaid, and like anyone does with a normal bandaid I check if it's still sticky. I slap it around my wrist and it fits like a new bracelet. Now it's time to show off my new costume to the folks at Aikon. I drive downtown and attempt to exit my vehicle. Oh... Am I being mugged? They fire countless rounds into my body. Oddly enough, with every bullet that pierces my body my grin becomes a little larger. Becoming a smile. Becoming madness. I laugh. I laugh hysterically as my body gets blown apart. With my swiss cheese arms I pull out my revolvers... And blow away some f**king faces. Black holes remain (?) where these faces used to be and they start sucking up my worlds. Everything spins. Spiraling into these holes, the world distorts, stretches, and pours like a rooftop-painting being rained on would distort before gushing through the holes of an old roof. The world makes sense to only disturbed minds and schizophrenics, much like my last analogy.
I awake, it's just a dream. I've fallen asleep in the backseat of a friend's car.
"We're almost there."
We pull into the driveway. Exit the vehicle. Walk into the back yard and sit down at the table. This bbq is going to be excellent!
"Hey Josh, how do you like your gangsters?"
"Rare."
Anybody ever buy a flowbee? The magical hair cutting tool that's got a little grate with a fan behind it. This fan is powered by a vacuum. Now, in the future they have flowbees that run on superpowered TriLithium Chloride... Apparently. This flowbees never need to be plugged into a wall and believe it or not they have remote controls! These flowbees and float freely through the skys cutting the hair of whoever you please!
This was the infomercial that kicked off my dreams.
Whoever you please? Hmm... I thought for about half a moment and came to this conclusion. I wanna shave my pussy. *Whistles* "SUE! SUE GET OVER HERE!"
As my cat runs into the room I send the flowbee spiraling across the room and onto her back. The first fan (closest to the grate) gets caught in her fur and the second fan kicks into overdrive. What I have now is a flying cat! I pick Sue up a few feet off the ground, when the flowbee gives way and she drops. Down descends my flowbee, up goes the cat. Wash, rinse, repeat.
After a very enjoyable time I wonder what it would be like if I did this to myself, I mean, it's likely that since I'm a human it'll do a fine job of cutting my hair and that will be that. But I've never been a believer in what's LIKELY to happen. No, no, this flowbee can pick me up I'm sure.
Well... It can't. I get the worlds worst haircut. I drop to my knees and pull out my razor. "Jesus, why have you done this to me? Why must you take all that is beautiful from my life?" These are the words I repeat over and over. I started off weeping and worked my way to screaming them. Contrary to what I've lead you to believe, screaming these words was far from passionate. This is because at the same time I was using my razor to cut a cross into my face. A thick cross that I would be able to peel off.
The bottom thick yet the edges bend inwards towards my nose, bending outwards again under my eyes. Stop. Up to my brow. Stop. Curve back down over the top of my eyes and back to the bridge of my nose. Stop. Up to my hairline and curve inward to meet again.
I tear off this cross quickly like a bandaid, and like anyone does with a normal bandaid I check if it's still sticky. I slap it around my wrist and it fits like a new bracelet. Now it's time to show off my new costume to the folks at Aikon. I drive downtown and attempt to exit my vehicle. Oh... Am I being mugged? They fire countless rounds into my body. Oddly enough, with every bullet that pierces my body my grin becomes a little larger. Becoming a smile. Becoming madness. I laugh. I laugh hysterically as my body gets blown apart. With my swiss cheese arms I pull out my revolvers... And blow away some f**king faces. Black holes remain (?) where these faces used to be and they start sucking up my worlds. Everything spins. Spiraling into these holes, the world distorts, stretches, and pours like a rooftop-painting being rained on would distort before gushing through the holes of an old roof. The world makes sense to only disturbed minds and schizophrenics, much like my last analogy.
I awake, it's just a dream. I've fallen asleep in the backseat of a friend's car.
"We're almost there."
We pull into the driveway. Exit the vehicle. Walk into the back yard and sit down at the table. This bbq is going to be excellent!
"Hey Josh, how do you like your gangsters?"
"Rare."
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Josh Versus the Juggernaut
What can I say that the video hasn't already covered?.. How about... Watch it.
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