Ahh that's better.

So I haven't really been dreaming over the last long while, but finally last night I had a whopper. Literally. Before bed I had a whopper (which is a burger served at a fast food restaurant called Burger King, if anyone didn't know). What I'm saying is, maybe I have to eat riiiiiiight before I go to sleep in order to dream. Actually, no. That's really unlikely.

Well, here we go.

I was at a small social gathering, the type of which is often referred to as dinner parties. I sat next to a very familiar face, that of a cousin's ex girlfriend. It was unclear as to if we were dating or not in this dream for a fair amount of time. Then it so happened that she turned to me and said to rub her back for her... For some reason I didn't do this effectively in my dream and my hand gravitated towards her bottom. Hah.

This was a well received action of course, which led into a hug, which led towards couch cuddling. But alas, I needed to use the washroom. Walking around this foreign house trying to spy the washroom I witness one of my best friends having sex with my mother's friend's daughter in the shower. Whoa! Whoa! Wesley what are you doing? Why did I just ask that, I know what you're doing! He turns to her, says he's done, and get up and leaves... her for me. I turn to her and say "I'm not" followed by a wink as I walk towards her. Suddenly we're in the bathtub together... Suddenly the door flies open and everyone sees us. I must say, this was not well received.

The only option was to go to the amusement park. I call up my friend Dan and ask him for some advice and he says "Whenever shit like that happens to me I just take bongrips". Well it may or may not have been made clear in the past, but I'm not really one for bongrips. Not my cup of tea, or I suppose, not my cup of bongwater. Regardless, while I was enjoying moral high-ground he sends me a bong through the Samsung Galaxy S. What can't these phones do?

I had to find somewhere to hide this, I don't want to get caught with drug paraphernalia in an amusement park for children! Lets hide this in the salt shaker!
This is when my grandparents show up and try to sprinkle some salt on their food.
I run over to them, "Oh hey, you found Dan's portable sprinkler with a built in ignition system, what can't these phones do?"

So I grab it and run off into one of the playhouses, which turned out to be a "playhouse". A whole bunch of ladies I've never seen before were having an orgy, and I've gotta say, in my dream it looked like a bunch jaguars and other dangerous cats fighting over the same rabbit. I think these ladies may have been fetishists because they were doing an awful lot of biting and scratching, and even more moaning and screaming. I tried to sneak past them into the kitchen but ended up getting spotted.

They weren't angry, they just changed their screams into loud, high pitched, coherent sentences and requests. Harder! Faster! Not me, go easy on me! Take me! To which I replied various wink-statements such as: I'm already harder for you ;) I can be easy for you ;) I'll take you, with a side of her ;) For some reason they all seemed much more clever in my dream... Mind you I never actually speak like that.

So we'll pretend that I typed out that entire scene for you but the paragraph got deleted, aww shucks. So I'm walking into the basement, getting ready for bed when the lighting shifts to an off blue... Smoke billows out from the bases of the walls... The corners of the room grow very dark and not soon after the far wall fades and it looks as if I'm standing on an abandoned road. A silhouette forms at the end of the road, walking towards me... It starts moving very quickly... Briskly paced... Faster and faster in a repetitive and redundant fashion. A hand falls on my shoulder from behind me.

"So you're dating my daughter?" Says my boss. Oh yeah, maybe I am, I totally forgot about that. "Hey... Can I have some cott's orange soda?" - "Yeah it's just behind the canned green beans". He walked over to his vending machine and grabbed a pizza and went upstairs. So I walked back out into the living room, where the lighting had returned to normal. I pulled up a lawn-chair next to Wesley's and turned on the TV to start watching some Charlie Sheen. I turn to Wesley and say "I had a cruhayzee day..!" Wesley turned to me and said... nothing. Wesley had a clown face.

And thusly t'were it discovered.

I'm inclined to believe that I only ever dream when I have a full night's rest or in the very least I'm only able to remember my dreams after a good 9 hours or sleep. I'm so under-practiced that this dream was hardly as vivid as they used to be, but I'll tell you what I can.

I'm diving up and down alleys in Winnipeg. I've lost something though I'm really not sure what. I keep checking my phone, I'll be getting a text any moment. I see somebody backing out of their garage and I turn off my headlights, as well as my dashboard lights.
Clearly I'm doing something illegal. Sure enough the second my car goes dark I get a phone call. "You can pick me up now." *click* Ah yes, I'm supposed to pick up my old grade school buddy Marc.

I pull onto McPhillips (one of the main arteries in the North End of Winnipeg) and start heading for the core. It was then that my car fell apart, piece by piece, very quickly. There really wasn't much to this process, one second it was a unit and the next it was a pile of scrap. I had serious roadrash on my behind, but that really didn't matter now. what I need... is a bicycle.

Well wouldn't you know it, there's a bicycle on the side of the road. So I hop on, a little off balance because I haven't been on a bike in ages. With every wobble the bike seems to get a little larger until it's towering above the buildings downtown. I keep trying to dismount but it's too late, the bike has me. I'm involved in a head on collision with a city bus, which sends me hurdling over the handlebars and into the pavement where every bone in my body is crushed into a fine powder, is soaked with blood, and becomes a red paste.

Sketchy Sleep.

Last night I couldn't stay asleep, I woke up every hour on the hour more tired than I was before. It's not always a good thing "sleeping" from 1am-1pm. What a waste of time, when I should be studying! but that's not why you're here...

The last room. We're almost at the final boss, all we have to do is solve this puzzle.
The room is lit by two floating white lights at the far end. On the wall behind them is what looks like a huge slab from the base of a tree, maybe it's a door, maybe there's a tree growing through the wall and ceiling, we don't know. Sprouting from the tree and climbing the walls are a bunch of purple and blue vines, each vine has a different pattern, beautiful as organic living snowflakes. A purple juice, goo, slime, whatever you want to call it, had poured out from the base of the far wall and formed a puddle half the size of the room, though it must have been long ago as it had become solid (or in the last, very viscous).

We take a few steps into the room, try to walk across the purple... We all start to shrink! Before we'd even begun to realize it, it was just too late. Tiny. All of us. Freakin' tiny. Maybe we're not so close to that last boss after all. We walk towards the far wall, which looks many kilometers away. The tree in the distance climbs higher than our eyes are now able to perceive. In dream hours, which really felt like few minutes, many random battles, and the death of a few party members (the details of which are unimportant) we reach the base of the tree. A shadow grows underneath us, and becomes more than a lack of light, it's a lack of matter. It's a hole. We all fall in.

We land in one of the roots of the tree and it's simply beautiful. The walls are a deep, rich purple, with millions of vines climbing along. The roots are lit up by the life energy of the tree dancing through the air to it's destination. We start walking towards the center of the tree. When we reach the end, or rather beginning, of our particular root, we can peer down into an abyss. This tree goes deep. We can also look up what seems like kilometers, where IS this? I've always been one for adventure so I jump. Jump into the abyss.

Falling and falling, faster and faster, I had only begun to think about how this may have been a bad idea when the air got cloudy below. The air got foggy around me. Everything became bright like when you're waking up from a dream, and then I..!

I'm sitting in a basement watching anime with a friend. Tea sits on the table, still steaming. The "living room" is part of a rather open-concept house. It's just one corner adorned with a love-seat, two coffee tables, and two chairs. In the nearest corner was her art studio, filled with beautiful paintings, pastels, charcoals... Everything from abstract art to the Japanese alphabet. My friend notices me looking around and says something in Japanese and giggles. "Je ne connais pas cela..." I reply. "I can show you around again if you want, it's nothing." She says.

So we have ourselves a look around, the layout is more or less living-room, art studio, study area, and one corner is blocked off. It's the kitchen/entryway. Of course on one of the walls we have bathroom and bedroom, nothing special.
While she's showing me the kitchen we suddenly have our coats on. That's right! We have to go to dollarama, grab some Christmas presents! We run out the door together into the blizzard... Into the fog... into the... the.. falling!

I fall for a few dream seconds that to me seem like hours when I hit the ground face first in a parking lot. I'm outside my old highschool. It's summer now. I look around and spot my friend Darcey running over. "Josh, that looked pretty painful, I was hoping I could buy you an energy drink, and fix your car?" Now, Darcey is more than generous in most cases, but I think this dream is wishful thinking. "Sure!" So we head on into the Co-Op and buy up some energy drinks. Walk out to -my car-. It's under a huge soggy blanket. What is this nonsense? Nothing spectacular, Darcey only polished my car by hand after turning it into a convertible. F*ck, what a good friend! Before I can thank him he runs off, apparently he has a highschool course he's late for. So I drive out to my old house in the country. Park in the driveway. Let myself in, because hey, f*ck the new owners, am I right? The house starts to shake like an earthquake and I turn to open the door and GTFO when Darcey lets himself in. Covered in snow. "It's a blizzard out there."

Falling falling falling into the atrium. Connie, an older woman from work who's known for saying frick'n-frack'n, is dressed like a witch. "I'm surprised you've made it this far, you little snot. You get more completes than me every day and half the time you're sleeping at your desk! Prepare to get what's coming to you!" This is the final battle! But I've played games like this before. Right in the center of the room there's a slowly spinning eye. I'll bet you anything that when it sees me it's going to shoot a laser. Why else would there be so many mirrors around the room? Puh-lease. So I stand in front of a skewed mirror and wait for the eye to see me. Sure enough, it fires away. Bounce. Bounce. Bounce. It pierces Connie and keeps on going. Bounce. Bounce. It's coming straight for me! So I dodge roll to the side. *Phew* But I'd fallen into Connie's trap...

The light had formed the star of David along the room (when viewed from above, of course) and the floor began to pulse red and white. Connie was fading out of existence, turning into sand and floating towards the sky. Laughing. She rushes me, merely a torso, grabs my wrist and pulls me into the air. I start to fade too... My arm slowly turns to sand, dust, powder, and it climbs up my arm and my whole right side is fading. I'm pretty accepting of my death at this point, I've still done the world great justice. Wesley plays violin in the background while Renee draws a sketch to eternalize the moment... Darcey revs the engine of my Tiburon. Goodbye friends, good luck getting out of this f*cking tree!

My first real nightmare?

Have you ever actually had a dream that scared you? Because for over 19 years I didn't have a truly scary dream, though lately that's changed. I'm sorry I haven't been keeping up with the posts lately, though I've been working 5-6 shifts a week, writing mid-terms, and battling the bronchitis. But that's not why you're here! *Ahem*

First things first, I find myself in a good friend's living room. I try to look around but the room won't stop spinning. I'm getting dizzy and sick, so I grab onto the counter to get some balance... It's not a visual illusion, the room is actually spinning and I'm pulled from the counter up into the air. Floating in the air, my spinning accelerating like I'm in a hamster ball rolling down a hill into hell. Every now and then I bump into a wall, slam my head into something, grab for something to slow me down only to have some uncontrollable force tear me away.

I can't help but scream. I try and focus, only to have to spinning stop briefly. The second I get my feet back on the ground the spinning pulls me. Pushes me. Tosses me around. Nothing is stable. Everyone is watching me spin out, some pointing, some laughing, some shaking their heads, some stare... satisfied. They feel like I deserve this torture.

I close my eyes. Stop. Stop. Stop. Nothing. STOP. STOP. STOP SPINNING. Nothing.
I yell "STOP F***ING SPINNING!". I open my eyes and I'm standing at the the counter, gripping it tightly. Was that all in my head? (I have no idea I'm dreaming at any point) I ask my friend, "Do you have any medicine for this?! I never in my wildest dreams imagined flying powers would be this horrifying!". She promptly replies that the only solution is to pop some Ecstasy. I blink and she's standing right in front of me smiling. *pop* She pushes some Ecstasy into my mouth and tilts her head to the side and smiles.

I suddenly become very happy (how odd hey?) and I'm moving very quickly through a slowed-down world. She's able to move quickly too and she explains that my world is turning on me, spinning around because I have a feeling of no control over my life.
The trick, she says, is to be faster than the world, always moving, always one step ahead of the game. *I blink* We're naked. Shut up. It's not a wet dream.

I suppose the best way to describe this part of the dream, is that it was a beautiful moment. I was sitting on a footstool and she was sitting on my lap facing me. We were holding each other as closely as possible. Both of us were completely naked, fully comfortable with each other, and totally accepting. The world stopped spinning and time seemed to stop. I was the happiest I'd ever been in my life (that's what the dream's narrator said). In an anime-like attempt at anti-eroticism her hair covered her nipples, and no, this was not sexual.

Basking in the romance we leaned forward and kissed...

My teeth turned into cheese and melted onto her teeth and when we pulled apart huge greasy strands of cheddar and mozza still connected us. She screamed and brought her hands to her face to pull the cheese off, but it was too late. I had infected her with a sexually-transmitted-discheese. I ruined a perfect moment, because I wasn't good enough. I'm not pure!

I woke up and thought about how this may be relate to my life.
Do I really feel such a lack of control? Maybe.
Am I a bad influence on the lives of those I care about? Sometimes...
Do I really think of myself as an unhealthy, greasy, disease-ridden hoe-bag? Not so much.
Is romance more important than debauchery? Hell yes.


What an awful... beautiful... dream. Makes you think.

There wasn't much to this dream, but I owe it to you.

I was sneaking around an elementary school with my friend trying to find the bathroom.
It was a lengthy journey, filled with many jokes about the median, the mean, and the mode. What does X bar mean?! What are the odds I'll pass my statistics class?! So many of these questions remained unanswered. Then we found... the kitchen! Yes, the walls were lined with so many boxes of cookies and candies, and we ate them all with our vacuums.

We had to leave the kitchen in a hurry when the grade four Sunday School class came in. So we took the fire extinguisher off the walls and set them all ablaze and ran for the basement. It was dark, dank, and all around creepy. Those big cement-block walls with peeling yellow paint, and a spiralling metal staircase at each end of the hall. We walked about half way down the hall where we found the bathroom. I had to pee so bad... It was due to boredom. I had myself a wonderful pee while my friend and I shot the shit (verbally, neither of us needed to download a brownload). Suddenly the floor was wet. The bathroom was flooding! I tried to escape but the door was closed.

My friend had become possessed by a piss-demon, who locked the door from the outside.
We drowned.

University and Work...

Due to being so incredibly overbooked lately I've been really under slept, and I usually only dream when I have a full night's rest. But I finally got a day to sleep in and whoa...

I go out for a night of drinking in my blue-chrome wheelchair to show off my mags. I rev the engine and pop the clutch, rocketing forward into the front of a building that looks much like a face. The interior is much similar to a bar in Downtown Winnipeg. The Zoo... Behind the counter is my supervisor (who will remain anonymous to you until further notice) and he explains that I must drink these ten body shots of gelatin cat piss laced with cyanide out of my girlfriend's unshaven elbows while juggling Walkie Talkies tuned to the frequency of my sexual-hunger in order to un-be. This got me very very drunk and before I knew it...

I was sitting in my apartment playing The Real Super Mario Bros, which if you didn't happen to know already, is the virtual reality Mario game. I was jumping around in the underground dungeon in my giant yellow boot stomping goombas into oblivion. Suddenly I fall into a pit, this is sure to be the end... The boogieman wouldn't have it that way, not in a thousand years. In the blackness I see his giant floating eyeball fade into existence. I don't know where to begin describing this eyeball but basically is was covered in a layer of purple flesh. Rather the skin was wrapped around it with a little slit in the middle, and this slit would open in a manner much similar to eyelids. And so it did.

This act revealed a blood green (yes.) iris with a very tiny hate filled pupil. A portal opened up in front of the floating eyeball and a rather large purple ghost hand came shooting out of it and stripped me of my boot. It threw my boot further into the darkness and grabbed me around the waist. I'm zipping faster than the speed of dark for years upon years that seem like seconds, only to come to a sudden stop. My room is filled with a very thick, muggy, light that slowly wafts off into the corners of the room. I feel very hollow and decide it a good idea to examine my person, only to find that I'm bleeding all over my bed from a hole in my stomach.

I call an ambulance and in an instant a bus smashes through my apartment wall (on the 5th floor of the complex). The paramedic/bus-driver opens the front doors and a team of surgeons come running out and put me on a stretcher to bring me aboard the bus. My family doctor from the town I used to live in is the Surgeon General, with an assault rifle mounted on his back. It was loaded with scalpels. He tells me I need to start eating more, that my bleeding was due to malnourishment, that my anorexia was embodied in the form of this illness.

The back door gets ripped from the bus and a giant hand reaches in and crushes the my doctor so hard he turns into a woman and gives birth. My cousin rats him out to the bus driver for giving birth in public without submitting his Public Birth Ticket, which, by the way cost 9 dollars individually or 45 dollars for 5. I crawl out of the bus and into the street to find myself surrounded by empty police cars. Huddled at the southwest corner of the intersection stands a group of humanoids in white shawls. They all turn to face me when the world goes dark once again... There's the eyeball.
I open my eyes to find myself in front of my apartment door... I fumble for my keys. I have to get in! My key doesn't work in the door. None of my keys work in the door. I try using the end of the keychain in the door only to have my keys fly in my face and gouge out my eyes. I'm blind! I'm blind!

In the crimson darkness I see the eyeball fade into existence... another just like it opens up beside it... They open in an instant in get rocketed forward into my skull. I am the boogieman's new body.

Last year...

I can't seem to find this dream on my site, so I figure I might as well type out everything I remember about it...

The ship.
This dream took place on a large cargo ship. Not your average run of the mill cargo ship, but a trailerpark trailer on pontoons dragging a boating-dock behind it. The trailer was pretty shabby looking, with cardboard duct-taped to the windows. the front door was perpetually ajar, never to be fixed throughout the course of the boat OR the course of the dream. there was a ladder tied to the side of the trailer to allow access to the roofrack/deck. Call it what you will, they're one in the same in the case of a trailer. The dock was in shambles, tied together poorly using frayed old yellow rope. When I first opened my eyes to the dream world I was standing at the far end of the dock, being pulled behind the trailer.

The tornado.
the sky was a dark blue-black, very ominous and foreboding or so I found. There was a cold wind across the water's surface, cutting through me in the way wind has been known to cut. It was raining sideways and not too far ahead in the distance was a thunderstorm. Not too much farther than that there was a very. very. very. large. tornado.

The legendary pokemon battle.
In the sky above my head, two legendary bird pokemon were battling for the fate of my world. One of them controlled some element of spacetime and the other some element of nature. Things were very majestic and the two pokemon fired beams from their mouths and fire from their wings. Hypnotic mind crushing ripples from their mind's-eye.
This was surely the cause of the storm.

My death.
The only way to save my life was clearly thus: to catch the two legendary pokemon and add them to my collection. To harness their abilities and lay claim to the universe itself. I launched my pokeballs into the sky, go pokeballs! GO! ...
...
...
They merely bounced off the two fighting pokemon.
Their fight paused and they looked at me for a moment. Looked at each other and nodded. I was struck down by lightning and burst into oblivion...

Getting reborn as a giant fish.
When I awoke I was a sailboat on the waters surface. The sky was clear and bright, the wind strong enough to propel me forward, yet gentle enough to not send me astray. I reveled in this perfect moment. I closed my boat eyes and dove beneath the surface. I am I fish, a sailboat size green fish with huge lips... Ready to kiss another fish. It's mating season Missus Greenfish! Pg14 dream sequence, involving fish love of the deck of the titanic.

The alternate ending.
I shake off this dream like the creepy, wrong, foul, disgusting garbage it is and find a better place.

Getting reborn in the basement.
I'm sitting alone in a basement entryway to a house, in the closet. The zombies can't find me here. The zombies can't find me here. The zombies can't... They've found me!
I jump up and push the nearest zombie into the crowd, I smash through the glass door and run out into the field, zombies on my tail. It's nighttime, well lit by a full moon. The yard is a forest, many branch filled trees all around. It must be autumn, because there's no foliage and... and... and I've been bit.

Becoming a super zombie.
I hate this. I have no soul. No life. No ambitions. I will never amount to more than a flesh eating monster. Monster? what do I think I am, zombies aren't monsters. Monsters are cool, monsters can jump forty feet in the air. Pounce on prey and rip them to shreds with incredible predator claws. Shriek with force and instill terror in the hearts of many... I can do these things. And I jump into a tree, cry out, and take down little red riding hood. Bite me.